Even the Article Has A Lame Title

Well, I know how I'm spending my weekend.

You can't see me now but I have a very maniacal look on my face.

They even fly. Oh. Oh my.

-Me

Pee.Ess.
I just read the article completely. Oh, lord, their going to "dazzle" me.
...We'll see.

Another note: Is that what they call a productional photo? They're in stupid soccer uniforms.
All the same, I'm bringing my camera.

And they have OVER 100 PEOPLE IN THE CAST.
Isn't that, like, the whole school?

Here's a small cast list. Lots of people from Cinderella. :D Oh raptures. This is going to make my week. Cinderella plays Windy. And I think Prince Christopher plays Peter Pan. But everyone knows it tradition (TRADITION.) for Peter Pan to be played by a girl; hence why Nikki wants to play Peter Pan. Whatever. I'm excited all the same.

I have a case of tavern beaver.

*note: If the pictures are poor looking to you, I apologize for I couldn't useflash. If the videos shake, I don't apologize for laughter cannot be helped.
I also apoliogize for the snark and the fact that this is one very large review. Seriously, it took me three days.

It's that time of the year again: high school spring musical festivals. Thus equaling confidence boosts and a guide at what not to do in the theatre. What flabbergasts me most is people actually think of these as good productions. I go outside and I hear "we should do ours like that." I don't know if its just a partiality issue or they really think its that good. Of course, I'm a little critical...

After the joy that Smokey's Cinderella brought me and seeing the large red and yellow billboard advertising it, I decided to go to Swain's Beauty and the Beast. Scotty, Effie, Kelly and I all piled in the Eclipse and headed out, getting Burger King along the way, sort of missing the road off the exit (my fault) and finally arriving at 6:45. Of course, I started laughing before I got through the door but I contained myself, got my ticket and program and sat down.

Program Notes: A very sophisticated program (oddly, the most impressive thing about these shows is the program) with a large asterisk next to the title and a suspicious footnote assuring us that they were legal. On the back they discussed how they were the only school in the Smokey Mountain conference area that did a Spring Musical (because I haven't been in one for the past 3 years...?) and how the production cost $8,000 dollars.
...
Probably went to all those billboards because it defiantly didn't go to the production.

Anyhoo, they were also audience goodies in the form of light up roses that you raise at the same moment that Belle does at the end and she lifts it and you lift it and you can be like Belle...?

First thought: This is going to suck. Badly.

Act I


So here we start with the basic Beauty and the Beast beginning with the "Once upon a time, selfish and spoiled prince, ugly hag, take the rose, ugly hag I sneer at you, I is a beautiful enchantress, OH NOES, I beastify you, Noooo, etc, etc." Except, as everyone else is used to the deep voiced, slightly creepy guy, the guy who did it had more a game show feel about his voice. "Who would ever looove a BEAAST!?!"

Blegh. Anywho, the hag drops her cloak to show a beautiful enchantress bedazzled in an 80s prom dress (honestly, you should have seen those sleeves!) and she flits around, casts the spell on him and frolics off. Frolics mind you, and not at all in a foreboding manner. As Bob Barker says "And she turned him into a hideous beast," the enchantress enchants, the prince collapses to the floor in despair and... nothing happens. But they spoil us early and show the beast in his castle admiring his caramelized human heart rose and feeling distraught and pained, etc.

Lets skip forward to the classic village scene. Firstly, for some reason, they used a lot of the people who play main characters in the castle (i.e. Mrs. Potts) as villagers as well. Because I guess they didn't have a good enough part or something...


Anyway, it starts with the stagehands coming on while everyone else is coming out and placing benches on either side of the room and then going back into the prop closet to chill or something. Belle starts singing and... we have no idea where she is. Turns out she is in the back of the audience.

Yeah, that's effective.

Finally she shows up halfway through the song, walks past us in her dress bedazzled with a teacup fabric and she sings, the villagers sing:


And everyone looks onward with faces of apathy:

And that little girl sitz in the orchestra pit the whole time among the seats in there. While the play was going on. Adding to that, the backstage mothers kept coming out by the side doors to watch some then they went backstage and then we see them again and *cough*unprofessional*cough*.

Enter Maurice with his frosted peach fuzz moustache and girlish tricorn!:



And your machine...? Right?
The funny thing about this was that he picks up a piece of wood spins the wheel with his bare hand, puts the thing above the blade and drops the outer piece. "OH IT WORKS!" It's sort of like, "Oh Fairy Godmother, look at the pumpkin carriage!" But we never actually see it. I call this the "you couldn't think of anything creative, could you?" moment.


That squawking? Yeah, that was a clarinet.
The band was terrible but I give them kudos for trying. I mean, how good can you be when your band director reads a book during the scenes that the band isn't playing in? Of course, I would probably be doing the exact thing.

So, Maurice takes his invention and goes into the Scrim Forest and the girls in black with the plastic wolf masks go after him and he runs and ends up at a mysterious castle:



They also [lovingly] placed a painted statue of my cat above the cheesy painted fireplace:



...and we meet the rest of the cast. ROLL CALL:



Lumiare: The tall skinny candelabra with the weird French accent. And for some entirely unknown reason I think he reminds me of Jonathan. No idea why...
Cogsworth: The fat clock who has a weird french/English/country accent. He was hilarious for all the wrong reasons.
Babbett: The girl who doesn't look like a feather duster but more like a girl bedecked in feathers. Mrs. Potts: The tea pot who has hooker lipstick and looks like she was made out of a couch.
Chip: CHIP HAS LEGS, CHIP HAS LEGS!!

And last, but not least:



THE BEAST: The dreadlocked creature who sounds like Christian Bale when he's pretending to be Batman. He also has an angty teenager thing going and I am vaguely reminded of Napoleon Dynamite. See he even has that whole "gosh," thing going on.
And those horns!

"Mamma I think I scared him." Because a life sized teacup with legs isn't in the least bit scary.
*facepalm*
So, after a Beastfit, Maurice suffers but lets go back to Belle...

Wait one second! We haven't met Gaston! You know, Gaston the hot, fit guy everyone wants to date with an elevated ego? Oh, do I have a treat for you!


So, I think it's safe to say that they didn't typecast.

Anyway, Gaston fails, Belle notices her father is gone, goes through the scrim forest mysterious castle, etc. For some odd reason there are moving gargoyles:



God bless them gargoyles. Their mommas love 'em.
...by this point, I think people were looking at me as I made a scene.

Moody dreadlocked Batman Beast enters and pitches another Beastfit:


Belle goes up to her room and laments at her misfortune and whoa is me. Frankly, I just like the fact that the wardrobe girl keeps her face completely stoic the whole time. Secondly, I love the fact that she goes "I'm sure I have something you could wear" opens her doors and out just falls a dress... it's not in the drawer and its just wadded up and falls out...? How convenient.



Flash forward to le tavern scene:

May I introduce the chair that wasn't painstakingly constructed from limbs by Effie:
The random wall of deer heads and drag queens boys with blue eyeshadow and maroon lipstick:
Tavern Mugs constructed from dogfood cans and handles that were hotglued on:

The guy who stuffed his pants into his socks and his Sperrys:

Oh and there is something else that is amazing about this scene, but it will have to wait until later.

Le Tavern Scene est over, and we go back to La Castle and Beastie throws yet another Beastfit but Belle refuses him and says she'll starve but, hey rules were meant to be broken, so Lumiare and the Cowboy Candles serve her. Nothing says "you're welcome" like a single plastic Turkey:




"Try the grey stuff..."
What grey stuff? Is it in the plastic turkey or around it? Or under it?

This is the Rug of Fail:


He and his be-tennis-shoed feet tried to flip, they really did try. But they failed, sighed and went off to the side in disgust/apathy.



I post this simply because the gargoyles started dancing. At this point I hunched onto the ground in laughter and Kelly had to dig her nails in me to silence my giggles.
I died. Died.

Back to moody, dreadlocked beast and we see his girl side in low and awful dulcet tones:

And Act I is finished! Onward to:
ACT II.

Lights up... to this:

It's okay though. When you're 60 years old its hard to stay awake. We'll forgive her.
To be honest, Intermission was the most enjoyable thing out of the whole play. We guffawed like crazy and people were probably highly insulted. But hey, if you suck you suck and we're sure to remind you of it. As Scotty put it, Intermission was like a glass of cool water on a hot day.

ACT II

We start with Belle in the Scrim Forest and the girls with the wolf masks come out and the Beast comes to defend but it all happens behind the Scrim Trees so technically, we see none of it.
Something There begins and our dreadlocked Beast pecks at his soup, Belle refines him, she bedecks herself in a hideous 80s dress as well and they go into the library and share sweet, sweet moment and you can just taste the "teen spirit."

Somewhere around here Beast and Lumiare go up the stairs the carpentry class [lovingly] made and offstage while their microphones were still on and someone says "stay in character."

Hows that for embarrassing?

Human again happens but it was so anti-climatic I don't see any importance in discussing it.
As was for the tavern scene except for this one part that we shall see later. :)

So lets just step forward to the scene we all care about:
The big date scene between Belle and the Beastie:

As you can see, Belle has what every high school puts their princess in: a prom dress. I swear, creativity is dead.

The table is set yet again with a plastic turkey for them to share:


Plastic turkeys are recylcable apparently.

Instead of eating they just stare at their plates...

...and once the plastic turkey isn't going to be edible anytime soon they decide to dance and we get a looksee at the beasts very large and awkward tail:


So Belle and the Beast go into the Garden and talk about life or something; I wasn't really paying attention. *shrugs* So the beast and Belle have moments and then Belle laments about not being able to see her poorly moustached daddy and the beasts hands her a mirror made out of plywood and lights and she sees hes ill or something and wants to leave to help him. Beastie lets her go, but sort of sulks about the whole matter and the utensils of the house are like "YOU DID WHAT!?"

And the Beast says, "Leave me alone for my soul is like fragile fragile lilly now." As he laments we all feel a little deja vu from Cinderella with the whole "lets sing in front of the curtain while the scene changes, yeah, that's cool."

So, at this point, nothing was really happening, I had about a minute and a half worth of memory and half of my battery power left and what I really wanted to film was the transformation scene. So, I sat back and *cough* enjoyed the rest of the performance. The funny thing was, that during the mob scene everyone tramples into the audience and their bodies are like 2 inches away from me, and I die again guys. Because when the meaty girl in front of you is squawking, what else can you do?

So, yadda, yadda, big fight or whatever over Belle, Gaston falls over the edge, which might be cool if it wasn't 5 feet from the ground, and perhaps, hey it may be cool if WE COULD SEE IT. i.e. Don't stage the big climatic stuff in front of a railing.

*facepalm*

So, here it is. Marilla is turned on, and with her small battery power and one minute left I start filming. This is what we wait for. The Transformation is the biggest and coolest, not to mention the most high tech, scene there is:

Guys, I had to stop filming because Belle wandered the stage for over a minute while the Beast changes. You see her pick up the rose near the end, but I stopped it because it was going nowhere. The best thing is to look back and see all the old women holding there's with the most tranquil face in the world. Like, "this is my slice of heaven."

So the Beast come out from SR and it's all "lookie Belle its me," and Belle is like "it is you." Everyone is human again, Belle and the Beast (without shoes?) come out and sing the ending along with the stereotypical shifting crowd of happiness.

Reader, I hurled.

BUT, but, but, there was one part that did make it into my top ten of life moments. This was the moment of great in this show:

For some odd reason, they strategically placed a stuffed beaver on the bar. Why? I don't know. But it was made of epic win. He was by far the best actor (he never blinked, not once I tell you) and will forever be known as the Spaghetti cat of the theatre.

To rebound from the pain we all had choclate shakes and laughed so hard it hurt in the car. Guys, this was worse than Cinderella. (Hm, theres something I never thought I would say) The sets were terriable, the costumes, the actors, the singing, heck the whole thing. The only thing I liked was the programs and the tavren beaver.

And you know whats sad? They did this same show last year and it was such a hit (you heard me right) that they wanted to redo it to make it better. Can you only imagine what it was like?

If you want to witness this you still have a chance for on March 27 - March 29 2009 it is till playing at 7:00, but I wouldn't suggest it. I give you the cliff notes graciously and accept them as such.

My brain hurts. Gooday.
-Me

Mamaw performances...

*note: to see pictures fully, make sure to slide the scroll bar over...

So, last weekend I went and saw Smokey Mountain’s Cinderella.

Let’s just say it makes me feel very accomplished.

None the less, I salute anyone who takes the initiative to do a play. You could tell the lot of them had a blast, and that is what is most important. And I know the two grandma’s behind me just loved it (but I wouldn’t say they felt the same about my running commentary.) Lets just say that we are very blessed to have the people we have, even (as much as I hate admitting this) Scotty. :)

Some ideas seemed a little familiar, such as getting your picture taken at the end with Cinderella, Prince Charming and the golden carriage. You did have to pay five dollars for a child’s dream to come true, but I won’t judge.

Also the whole cast happened to be high schoolers, unlike ours. And they weren’t drama students to top it off. And they rented their costumes…

I’m NOT judging.

Luckily for all those who didn't see it and would like to see a little of what it consisted of, I took pictures AND videos. (The latter will have to be uploaded on a later date.) I got all of them in the second act and third act (THREE ACTS!?), so I‘ll just describe the first act:

It starts out with a massive village scene, with villagers on either side of the stage. After about a 6 minute opening scene, the Herald (our Lynol) comes on. He teeters on either leg while singing “The Prince Is Giving a Ball” back and forth, and the villagers stand there and sing there lines.

For every scene change they shut the curtain, have about a five minute music interlude, sometimes including some characters singing on the stage.

After “The Prince Is Giving a Ball,” the stepmother and her daughters comes on stage. Throughout the play she does this thing where she constantly fixes the poof on her hair. Portia (who was my Calliope), dressed in green, does this laugh that starts out loud and cascades after EVERY line. Joy (Kaley’s Manerva.) dressed in pink, stops mid-stage picking her nose multiple times.

…

Yeah, that’s what I thought too.

Cinderella the sings “In My Own Little Corner.” She does a lot of the same moves as Abigail, except she spends 90% of the song fiddling with silverware on the table.

And just for the record of freaky coincidences, her name was Abigail too.

Unlike our play, the King and Queen had this whole bedchamber scene where the servants come in and sing “Your Majesties.” After about an 8 minute dance sequence that includes them continually dancing the electric slide while holding pans of bread around the King and Queen, the song ends and the prince comes out.



I’m not going to lie, all I noticed was how annoying large his boots were. What I hated the most was the fact that he wore them the whole time.

Back at Cinderella’s house, we meet the Fairy Godmother. She pokes her head in the window, and Cinderella says “Hey look, it’s my Godmother!”

?

Anyway, she comes in. Lights the fire (that is already burning), puts some flowers in the window (or should I say she has a mysterious hand do it for her), and the audience oohs and ahhs in amazement. Cinderella gets to voicing her wishes to have the pumpkin turn into a carriage, the mice turn into horses, the whole shebang. Fairy Godmother waves her wand, Cinderella runs and looks out the window and says “Oh, what a beautiful carriage and horses!”

I’ll need not mention that the audience sees none of this.

They go out on stage and sing “Impossible.” while the curtain closes behind them.

11 minute interlude later (not a intermission) and they open the curtains and there is the carriage with four horses.
Here are the horses. See what I mean by that whole familiar idea thing?

I would show a picture of the carriage now, but I think it is so…
…
…
…
…You’ll see what I mean at the end.

Now, I have a lot of pictures and videos for this:



This is Joy bowing to the prince. Now what was weird was that she had a hat with a watering can (watering can?) on top, which then fell off when she bowed. So she pretty much held it the whole time.





Portia on the Prowl.





So, this is Cinderella entering. Nice backdrop, and as you can see, she has a very pretty dress. Ice blue, go figure.


Princie finds her, and sings “Ten Minutes Ago” on the bench in the garden. There are far too many things I could say…but I won’t.

So right after “Ten Minutes Ago,” the “Stepsisters Lament” came on. It was…interesting…seeing it done…differently…after doing the song yourself.
Now there is something that you will see at the beginning of the video (when I upload it). It just so happens to be our King and Queen’s throne. Except it’s now Smokey colors.

You wouldn’t know it because it doesn’t acknowledge that it was borrowed in the program…

Here is a fuzzy picture of it (I wasn't allowed to use flash, okay.)


Now before this scene there was this moment that Cinderella and the Prince were dancing center stage. But you couldn’t see them because everyone else was dancing around them…
…anyway, Princie takes Cinderella back to their love spot in the garden, and sings “Do I Love You?”


...and it all ends like this.

At this point, the clock strikes twelve. Cinderella sprints up the steps, flinging (and I mean flinging) her shoe off. I do have a video of this, but once my perils of laughter sound like a hyena, and I made some really lame sound effects to add to the suspense, I think I’ll skip out on posting it.


I wouldn’t have posted this picture, but if you look in the left you will see the Herald. He’s the one holding the shoe who looks like the Burger King.

Of course, everyone knows the story of Cinderella, and she tries the shoe on (in the same garden where Princie serenaded her the night before…?), and the whisk her off stage to be married…

WEDDING PICTURES!11!!

The flower girls…there were only about three…it took forever…



Stepmother and Co. See there she is fixing that dumb poof.

Cinderella skips down the stairs, overjoyed to marry her big booted Prince.

Scotty’s priestly competition.

And the end Kiss. No confetti though. And they sang “Ten Minutes Ago” instead of “Music In You.” And Stepmother and Co. sang along.

?

Now…that you have judged accordingly, I must show you the carriage.
Lets just say when I saw it, I had to go outside to…catch my breath from all the splendor.

Yes, I literally had to go outside…

The way it worked


Cinderella in the carriage. As you can see, it’s big enough to fit the cast.

Overall it was a...

...experience.

There were [a few] things I enjoyed about it, such as the programs and the band. And the little lights the tech crew wore around their necks.

The best part was at the end when I have to text Scotty saying "are you still here, and do you have jumper cables?" But that's a story all in it's own. Maybe I'll tell it one day...

-Me.